I just want to fall in love…
Maybe this makes me cruel… I dunno.
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I just… really want to change.
- I want to go back to school
- I want to get another job
- I want a boyfriend
- I want to start doing more things for me
- I want to finish a book
- I want to go out more and have a life
I just want to do a lot of things and I need to stop sitting here and do them. Though I have started some things and I’m planning and organizing and seeing how my funds are and yeah. I’m gonna do things.
Only because I feel pretty today.
And to think, I was actually worried about me being the asshole.
And I just realized, I am the rule!
I am fucking Gigi from He’s Just Not That Into You. Sure, she gets the guy in the end but I’m her before she finds the one who thinks of her as the exception. I am the fucking rule. There are guys. There’s flirting and bars and it’s all nice and fun that one or two times but then they fall off the face of the fucking Earth and I obsess about it in my head like a crazy person thinking “oh my God! What if this was it and I just let it get away?!” I’m so tired of not being in a relationship that I’m completely fucking myself over by becoming this obsessive, crazy girl when guys are dicks and don’t deserve my effort! I am the fucking rule! Ugh. As much as I love Gigi, I don’t want to be like her.
Bleh.
I just hate always being the one to put effort but I can’t help it. I always care too much. Trying to have the “fuck it” outlook on things.
I’m tired of always being the initiator.
I just love how easy it is right now.
I have a good feeling about this.
❝I read a poem once, about a girl who had a crush on a guy that died. She imagined him up in Heaven with all the beautiful angels. And she was jealous. Ellie is gone. I imagine her with the badass angels now, hanging out with them in their black leather jackets, causing trouble. But I’m not jealous. I just miss her.❞
-Hilarie Burton as Peyton Sawyer on One Tree Hill